I am currently battling my (adult) life-long Demon, namely alcohol.
Each day is getting easier, as it draws to a close I realise the physical symptoms seemed to have subsided a little more, but the cravings are still as rampant. I have been sober now for 26 days, I have yearned for 'Just the one....' at varying degrees at varying points during this time, and have drawn strength from my loved ones, gleaning encouragement and distraction. I have held it together for the children, but my beautiful boy (...with the soul of rainbows) has had to bear the brunt of my irrationalities, and sometimes...I'm ashamed to say mis-directed spite. The thing is I know how I am behaving, I know as I spit my fear and shame in his direction, that this is not how I want to be, that this is not the way I want to treat him, that he deserves me to treat him with respect and admiration for basically putting up with my shit!!
Each day is getting easier, I do not lash him with my venomous tongue every day...just sometimes, and I'm so ashamed!!
I dedicate this poem to my Husband, my strength and my solace at this time. When/if you take the time to read this, you'll understand that I have been to some dark places this past few weeks, and when I read it back I can't believe that I feel such things....I think that during this recovery period I am still having a similar psychosis as was experienced whilst drinking, I become another person, but I 'see' who I am with a greater lucidity due to my sobriety...I see somebody who I don't like very much, but I'm working on it.
Each day is getting easier...............
Each day is getting easier, as it draws to a close I realise the physical symptoms seemed to have subsided a little more, but the cravings are still as rampant. I have been sober now for 26 days, I have yearned for 'Just the one....' at varying degrees at varying points during this time, and have drawn strength from my loved ones, gleaning encouragement and distraction. I have held it together for the children, but my beautiful boy (...with the soul of rainbows) has had to bear the brunt of my irrationalities, and sometimes...I'm ashamed to say mis-directed spite. The thing is I know how I am behaving, I know as I spit my fear and shame in his direction, that this is not how I want to be, that this is not the way I want to treat him, that he deserves me to treat him with respect and admiration for basically putting up with my shit!!
Each day is getting easier, I do not lash him with my venomous tongue every day...just sometimes, and I'm so ashamed!!
I dedicate this poem to my Husband, my strength and my solace at this time. When/if you take the time to read this, you'll understand that I have been to some dark places this past few weeks, and when I read it back I can't believe that I feel such things....I think that during this recovery period I am still having a similar psychosis as was experienced whilst drinking, I become another person, but I 'see' who I am with a greater lucidity due to my sobriety...I see somebody who I don't like very much, but I'm working on it.
Each day is getting easier...............
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THE JOURNEY-THE BEGINNING
BY TAM B
A life of non-events and near-misses...And then times of ninja-pirates and nonsense...Go figure?
A life of spiralling down the rabbit hole, hand in hand...making pig faces at the neighbours...and feeling smug in the self-knowledge of superiority...mmm?
A learning curve, a time of creating a me that can face the future with pride.Alone?Together?
A place where I can learn whether I can balance or I need a guide pole to stop me crashing to the floor, smashing into a trillion pieces.And whether the billion fragments of my kaleidoscopic Id that have splintered will ever be whole again.
Spiteful glances and bristling hackles at the sound of your breath.
Mirages of a hoped-for future flicker and fade into obscurity.
Whilst frozen shoulders are turned and the snubbing commences.
The holding back the disassociated tirades, so I don't have to witness the eyes rolling heavenward and to hear the THUD as your heart slams into your solar plexus.
The feeling lonely when I feel your warmth so close, the knowing that-wherever you are-I'm not welcome.
That infectious smile, now diseased with the cancour of insincerity and insecurity.
A glimpse of who we once were, spied through rainbow-filtered Raybans, poisoned blood coursing through our veins, making us people we can tolerate.
Soul-mates? Pish!People clinging to each other because other ties are tired or just bored with trying to figure out the 'Whys'
Trying our best to fulfill promises made in haste, then falling flat when the repenting leisure is not forthcoming.
No Time! No Time!
A sincere smile beckons you to me, a war-weary soul..tired of the fighting, the stony silences.
From the well of loneliness, with broke and bloody fingers trying to clamber from the darkness into the blinding light of forgiveness.
Tender touches and the smell of you fill my nostrils once more, enveloping us in the haze of togetherness.
The darkened day locked in our dark places, forgotten for this time, but, alas not lost.
Watching and waiting for a time when I am not infected with a poison, mutually sublime in our fragrant fugue.
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I am posting these innermost, intimate thoughts here because I do not want to ever forget any of the faltering steps on this long and arduous journey. I am ashamed, but, know that the light will shine through again. Sometime soon...I hope.
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