My name is Tamara and I am an alcoholic. I've stood up in a room full of strangers on more than one occasion and said this before, so you lot just don't phase me!!
I have made the decision to no longer drink alcohol, and have been sober for 17 days at this time (Thursday 29th May 2008) and am still feeling the physical withdrawal which is manifesting itself in severe headaches. Alcohol has always been my drug of choice for which I have been 'rehabilitated' on more than one occasion, and have used support offered through various agencies, but this time I am doing it with the love and support of my children and my long-suffering husband, whom I have promised that I wont touch it again, for all my clucking for a drink a promise made to my loved ones seems to be keeping me strong.My children weren't old enough to really understand, and I never had anyone that loved me enough to stand strong beside me and encourage and guide me into a life of sobriety before.
It hasn't got to the point it was affecting work (this time) And the hangovers just became part of who I am, but I've come to the conclusion that all the people I hold so dear to me in my life deserve a better Tam, and around for potentially a bit longer than the early grave I was swimming towards and I have finally gained the self-worth to realise that I am important enough to want a sober life for myself.
Also, like that wasn't bad enough, my Husband and I (God, I sound like the bleedin' Queen!!) have made a pact to lay off the Marijuana/cannabis, after both of us, having spent our entire adult lives living with this as a constant, it was a terrifying prospect but we've been free from the demon weed for almost a fortnight now, and it seems our only side affects have been sleepless nights, but there are ways and means to make those long nights a little less arduous, wont bore you with the details, but needless to say we seem to be hitting a honeymoon period, and being a lot less apathetic, more inclined to be attentive to each other. It has helped that we both have this week off work due to it being the half-term. There doesn't seem to be anything else affecting us physically, although we both lost our appetite for the first few days, getting our eating patterns back and not starving all day then troughing all evening has been different, we're actually enjoying what we're eating rather than just sating a craving.
One of the hardest things for us has been the getting out of the habit. My beloved, Simon, has decided of his own free will to stop drinking, although drinking wasn't his thing, he wanted to show solidarity and support for me...*sigh* I do love him so! But the whole habit and routine of drinking and smoking has been a little tricky to manouveur. We had a definite routine as to when we would drink (straight after work about 2ish, 'til bedtime, me more than him to be fair, but steady chugging, none the less!!) and the skinning-up, the time between us getting home and the kids coming out of school, (a good pair of sunny-bins in all weathers to disguise the bloodshot eyes from those mamas at the school gate who would have the holier than though glare or the smug self-satisfied smile in the knowledge that at least they wait until the school run is over!! Or was that just the paranoia?) Anyhoo, at least two more before tea time, another when the children were settled after, and another couple after they went to bed.
The kids are trying their best to understand what's going on, and bearing in mind they are only 12, 9 and 6, they're doing a bloody good job too, considering our patience is wearing a little thin, and they are more than a smidge stir crazy due to the weather being so darn bad!! They have been my shining lights. Although my children have always been aware of my habits, not something I'm proud to admit here and now for all to read, but fact none the less, it's been such the norm that it always went unnoticed. My daughter is nearly 13, and they have been doing about drugs in social studies at school, so she's more aware because of outside influences, part of me wants her to witness the difficulties of our giving up these habits, a realisation of the difference to our lives now, or at least when we are free and clear, to what it was then, of the emotional and physical and financial implications that 'using' whatever could impact upon her life and of those around her, and make an informed decision.and making that decision as to whether this is the life path she wants to travel. My beautiful boys, too young to really understand, but old enough to realise that Mummy and Daddy seem to have more time now, are less 'sleepy' now, and all the rest that I'm sure I don't give them the credit of being aware of now.
I'm going through the guilt and the anger period now, not at anyone but myself, but I just can't believe that I have missed so much of my children's lives, don't get me wrong, I have never missed a school play/assembly, sports day, consultation evening, although, sometimes it was a struggle (aw..poor me huh?)I've played with my children, I've taken them out and have made enormous sacrifices for them, as any and every mother should, but I know that there have been times when I just wasn't 'there' that I was different people. I have never been abusive in any way to my children, but I know that they didn't like the other mummy that came out of the box occasionally..and neither did I!!!
It's been hard, and this is a road that has many more miles to go, but we're getting there. All of us, and we're already seeing the benefits in our relationships with the children and of course our bank balance, so much so we took the children to Legoland, with all the trimmings, (you know how much a day at these places cost, especially with 3 kids and 2 parents feeling more than a little guilty!!)with the money we've saved in this short time!!
I am not now anti-drink or drugs, we have just realised that that weed and booze do not have a place in our lives anymore...jeez, could it be I'm growing up? About time, eh?
Simon and I have made the decision to remain toke-free and off the booze, but we shall still be indulging in varying substances now and then. This is something we feel is right for us, we do not indulge around the children and they are unaware of anything out of the ordinary re comedowns or what have you. Again, I'm not so proud of this choice, but feel we can manage this 'habit' as we always have, as a treat, and not too often!
Each day is a little closer to the time when I do not crave the feeling of that cold glass in my hand, and the reaching for the 'works' box and realise it holds nothing more than cigarette papers...each day I learn to like myself a little more, and the colours I had forgotten existed start to filter into view, along with the knowledge that this is the right route, that those 'wrong turns' can bring all that I am working towards building for me and mine crashing down around my ears, leaving me within the dusty rubble of apathy whilst a bright and shiney future once aspired to floats off towards the ether, along with any l respect I may have gained and- at last-earned from those I would truly die for.
And so to the 12 steps that have kept me sane before, and continue to do so! I am not of any religion, so to be true to the twelve steps, I have edited it to suit me and to my needs...this is the twelves steps proffered by most agencies but without the religious aspects.
1-I have admitted I am powerless over alcohol - that my life had become unmanageable.
2-Came to believe that a Power (the love of my children and Husband)greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3-Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of my family as I understood them.
4-Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5-Admitted to my family, to myself and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6-I am entirely ready to have my family help me to remove all these defects of character.
7-Humbly asked my family to to help me realise my shortcomings.
8-Made a list of all persons I have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9-Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10-Continued to take personal inventory and when I am wrong promptly admitted it.
11-Sought through time and perseverence to improve my conscious contact with my family, seeking only for knowledge of their will for me and the power to carry that out.
12-Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I have made the decision to no longer drink alcohol, and have been sober for 17 days at this time (Thursday 29th May 2008) and am still feeling the physical withdrawal which is manifesting itself in severe headaches. Alcohol has always been my drug of choice for which I have been 'rehabilitated' on more than one occasion, and have used support offered through various agencies, but this time I am doing it with the love and support of my children and my long-suffering husband, whom I have promised that I wont touch it again, for all my clucking for a drink a promise made to my loved ones seems to be keeping me strong.My children weren't old enough to really understand, and I never had anyone that loved me enough to stand strong beside me and encourage and guide me into a life of sobriety before.
It hasn't got to the point it was affecting work (this time) And the hangovers just became part of who I am, but I've come to the conclusion that all the people I hold so dear to me in my life deserve a better Tam, and around for potentially a bit longer than the early grave I was swimming towards and I have finally gained the self-worth to realise that I am important enough to want a sober life for myself.
Also, like that wasn't bad enough, my Husband and I (God, I sound like the bleedin' Queen!!) have made a pact to lay off the Marijuana/cannabis, after both of us, having spent our entire adult lives living with this as a constant, it was a terrifying prospect but we've been free from the demon weed for almost a fortnight now, and it seems our only side affects have been sleepless nights, but there are ways and means to make those long nights a little less arduous, wont bore you with the details, but needless to say we seem to be hitting a honeymoon period, and being a lot less apathetic, more inclined to be attentive to each other. It has helped that we both have this week off work due to it being the half-term. There doesn't seem to be anything else affecting us physically, although we both lost our appetite for the first few days, getting our eating patterns back and not starving all day then troughing all evening has been different, we're actually enjoying what we're eating rather than just sating a craving.
One of the hardest things for us has been the getting out of the habit. My beloved, Simon, has decided of his own free will to stop drinking, although drinking wasn't his thing, he wanted to show solidarity and support for me...*sigh* I do love him so! But the whole habit and routine of drinking and smoking has been a little tricky to manouveur. We had a definite routine as to when we would drink (straight after work about 2ish, 'til bedtime, me more than him to be fair, but steady chugging, none the less!!) and the skinning-up, the time between us getting home and the kids coming out of school, (a good pair of sunny-bins in all weathers to disguise the bloodshot eyes from those mamas at the school gate who would have the holier than though glare or the smug self-satisfied smile in the knowledge that at least they wait until the school run is over!! Or was that just the paranoia?) Anyhoo, at least two more before tea time, another when the children were settled after, and another couple after they went to bed.
The kids are trying their best to understand what's going on, and bearing in mind they are only 12, 9 and 6, they're doing a bloody good job too, considering our patience is wearing a little thin, and they are more than a smidge stir crazy due to the weather being so darn bad!! They have been my shining lights. Although my children have always been aware of my habits, not something I'm proud to admit here and now for all to read, but fact none the less, it's been such the norm that it always went unnoticed. My daughter is nearly 13, and they have been doing about drugs in social studies at school, so she's more aware because of outside influences, part of me wants her to witness the difficulties of our giving up these habits, a realisation of the difference to our lives now, or at least when we are free and clear, to what it was then, of the emotional and physical and financial implications that 'using' whatever could impact upon her life and of those around her, and make an informed decision.and making that decision as to whether this is the life path she wants to travel. My beautiful boys, too young to really understand, but old enough to realise that Mummy and Daddy seem to have more time now, are less 'sleepy' now, and all the rest that I'm sure I don't give them the credit of being aware of now.
I'm going through the guilt and the anger period now, not at anyone but myself, but I just can't believe that I have missed so much of my children's lives, don't get me wrong, I have never missed a school play/assembly, sports day, consultation evening, although, sometimes it was a struggle (aw..poor me huh?)I've played with my children, I've taken them out and have made enormous sacrifices for them, as any and every mother should, but I know that there have been times when I just wasn't 'there' that I was different people. I have never been abusive in any way to my children, but I know that they didn't like the other mummy that came out of the box occasionally..and neither did I!!!
It's been hard, and this is a road that has many more miles to go, but we're getting there. All of us, and we're already seeing the benefits in our relationships with the children and of course our bank balance, so much so we took the children to Legoland, with all the trimmings, (you know how much a day at these places cost, especially with 3 kids and 2 parents feeling more than a little guilty!!)with the money we've saved in this short time!!
I am not now anti-drink or drugs, we have just realised that that weed and booze do not have a place in our lives anymore...jeez, could it be I'm growing up? About time, eh?
Simon and I have made the decision to remain toke-free and off the booze, but we shall still be indulging in varying substances now and then. This is something we feel is right for us, we do not indulge around the children and they are unaware of anything out of the ordinary re comedowns or what have you. Again, I'm not so proud of this choice, but feel we can manage this 'habit' as we always have, as a treat, and not too often!
Each day is a little closer to the time when I do not crave the feeling of that cold glass in my hand, and the reaching for the 'works' box and realise it holds nothing more than cigarette papers...each day I learn to like myself a little more, and the colours I had forgotten existed start to filter into view, along with the knowledge that this is the right route, that those 'wrong turns' can bring all that I am working towards building for me and mine crashing down around my ears, leaving me within the dusty rubble of apathy whilst a bright and shiney future once aspired to floats off towards the ether, along with any l respect I may have gained and- at last-earned from those I would truly die for.
And so to the 12 steps that have kept me sane before, and continue to do so! I am not of any religion, so to be true to the twelve steps, I have edited it to suit me and to my needs...this is the twelves steps proffered by most agencies but without the religious aspects.
1-I have admitted I am powerless over alcohol - that my life had become unmanageable.
2-Came to believe that a Power (the love of my children and Husband)greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3-Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of my family as I understood them.
4-Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5-Admitted to my family, to myself and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6-I am entirely ready to have my family help me to remove all these defects of character.
7-Humbly asked my family to to help me realise my shortcomings.
8-Made a list of all persons I have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9-Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10-Continued to take personal inventory and when I am wrong promptly admitted it.
11-Sought through time and perseverence to improve my conscious contact with my family, seeking only for knowledge of their will for me and the power to carry that out.
12-Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
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