...I'm doing it, I'm really doing it!!
I even had my first major social event on Saturday night-Surprise Birthday Party on the Brownsea Ferry down in Poole, Dorset, for a very close, and much loved member of my family. Sadly Simon and the boys couldn't come.
I had my wonderful Ma there, who spent the entire evening telling me 'I'm not pissed' then proceeding to slate-in horrible detail -the person that was standing well within earshot of her outpourings!!
Aunts and Uncles were there, cousins, 1st and several times removed, and newer members of the family, in the forms of spouses and offspring, family I haven't seen since way back when, who remember me as 'life and soul Lil', always the first to tuck my skirt in my knickers, and kick up my heels, really getting the party started, not really understanding the true extent of my battle with the dreaded alcohol, telling me;
"...just the one wont hurt..."
"..aah, come on, don't be a party pooper..."
"...we wont tell Simon..."
Not, really understanding my resolve to 'really do it this time' and the fact that I had promised my daughter, who stayed beside me all night, and my boys, and of course my beloved, Simon. I'm glad they do not truly understand what the other drunk and hateful me was like, and they only remember the happy, party-girl drunk.
I watched the evening unfold, my nearest and dearest becoming....becoming the most boring people on the planet. They drove me mad, assumed I was arsey,and pretty much ridiculed my efforts at staying sober...I know they all love me, it was just their lack of understanding. But, it opened my eyes to the fact that......I am from a family of drinkers.....they said things, and did things that they wouldn't dream of doing everyday, that they would be ashamed of had I had a vidicam and played it back to them sober.
I spent the evening shuddering with belated embarrassment at my past shenanigans, knowing this is how I acted, once upon a time, when my strength was not what it is, on this day of glowing sunshine.
It was hard not join in the fun and games, so I wouldn't have to watch it all unfold in a messy heap, without being a part of it, just so's I didn't have to cringe every five minutes as someone I love and respect makes a fool of themselves once again.
It was hard. But I did it, and seeing this has made me remember what it is to lose self control, to become 'that other person' that you would be ashamed to introduce to your children's teacher or to your Boss as an aquaintance of yours let alone yourself!
I think it would have been easier had Simon been there (I was away from him for 2 days and nights-the longest we've ever been apart-and bear in mind we work together, it felt like a lifetime!!) So, I had the angst of missing him-and my boys- to contend with as well as the socialising 'unaided'.
The unsteadiness under my feet was not, as we've already established, because of the several cold drinks I had imbibed, nor was it the fact we were on a boat, it was because my rock (and sometimes still-my hard place) was not there to keep me from swaying under the sheer pressure of the evening.
It's done, I was back in his and two pairs of very sticky arms/hands (the boys had been 'doing gluing'....don't ask!) by 1pm on Sunday, with promises of 'if we can't all go, then it just ain't happening'
I'm glad I went, it was great to see loved ones, not seen since the last wedding or funeral, those that life for them is busy with babies and businesses, those who I may never see again, and those I left with the promise of '...definitely doing something soon....' My family of fucked-up drug- dependant (although none of them would admit it as they sip their medicinal/sociable tipple of choice) Who just don't understand how I can cut something that makes me 'one of them' out of my life.
I love them all, in varying degrees, because they are people I have known all my life that have had no real influence on who I am, who I have become, but I'm not sure they 'get' me, it's no bad thing, none of them know the real me anyway, just the 'family' me, the person who we all wheel out when we're with our family, the 'different' you, the ones your friends never get to see.
It does sadden me that they think that their drinking patterns are normal, and that would never listen to me anyway, not that I don't have anything interesting to say, just that they treat me as the 'right-on token hippy' of the family, none of them have the same views or opinions as me, don't even get me started with the rows (usually drunken)...*ahem* heated debates I've had regarding the environment and how recycling is an easy and accessible, proactive statement we can all make in the fight against the part we've played in ravaging this planet or having to explain myself (again) whenever I have had to refuse any drink of Coke (or any product produced by these fucking Nazis) and yet AGAIN explain the rape of the environment, the stolen water supplies of the people of India, and elswhere, the murders of the union members in South America for simply speaking out against the terrible working conditions ETC. ETC And the petty racisim, obviously not directed at the few people of colour they have in their lives...'because they know them, and they're alright...it's just the rest!' aaaargh!! Ignorance!!!......see, I just can't help myself....imagine me with a few Vodka and PEPSIs in me, speaking to a room full of ignoramus's...let's just say it ain't pretty!!
I'm not really sure where I came from, me, the me that has valid thoughts and opinions was not born of the people I am related to by blood, nor were my values gleaned from anyone of significance in my youth, maybe I made me, mmmm...I shall never know!
But, I'm liking the new and improved me...even though I am proving to be a little smug and self-satisified.
So, 77 days of hell and high waters, of screaming ab-dabs and of perfect calm.....here's to (she raises her hopes instead of her shaky hand holding the seventeenth V&P) another 7 weeks of strength and sobriety.
I even had my first major social event on Saturday night-Surprise Birthday Party on the Brownsea Ferry down in Poole, Dorset, for a very close, and much loved member of my family. Sadly Simon and the boys couldn't come.
I had my wonderful Ma there, who spent the entire evening telling me 'I'm not pissed' then proceeding to slate-in horrible detail -the person that was standing well within earshot of her outpourings!!
Aunts and Uncles were there, cousins, 1st and several times removed, and newer members of the family, in the forms of spouses and offspring, family I haven't seen since way back when, who remember me as 'life and soul Lil', always the first to tuck my skirt in my knickers, and kick up my heels, really getting the party started, not really understanding the true extent of my battle with the dreaded alcohol, telling me;
"...just the one wont hurt..."
"..aah, come on, don't be a party pooper..."
"...we wont tell Simon..."
Not, really understanding my resolve to 'really do it this time' and the fact that I had promised my daughter, who stayed beside me all night, and my boys, and of course my beloved, Simon. I'm glad they do not truly understand what the other drunk and hateful me was like, and they only remember the happy, party-girl drunk.
I watched the evening unfold, my nearest and dearest becoming....becoming the most boring people on the planet. They drove me mad, assumed I was arsey,and pretty much ridiculed my efforts at staying sober...I know they all love me, it was just their lack of understanding. But, it opened my eyes to the fact that......I am from a family of drinkers.....they said things, and did things that they wouldn't dream of doing everyday, that they would be ashamed of had I had a vidicam and played it back to them sober.
I spent the evening shuddering with belated embarrassment at my past shenanigans, knowing this is how I acted, once upon a time, when my strength was not what it is, on this day of glowing sunshine.
It was hard not join in the fun and games, so I wouldn't have to watch it all unfold in a messy heap, without being a part of it, just so's I didn't have to cringe every five minutes as someone I love and respect makes a fool of themselves once again.
It was hard. But I did it, and seeing this has made me remember what it is to lose self control, to become 'that other person' that you would be ashamed to introduce to your children's teacher or to your Boss as an aquaintance of yours let alone yourself!
I think it would have been easier had Simon been there (I was away from him for 2 days and nights-the longest we've ever been apart-and bear in mind we work together, it felt like a lifetime!!) So, I had the angst of missing him-and my boys- to contend with as well as the socialising 'unaided'.
The unsteadiness under my feet was not, as we've already established, because of the several cold drinks I had imbibed, nor was it the fact we were on a boat, it was because my rock (and sometimes still-my hard place) was not there to keep me from swaying under the sheer pressure of the evening.
It's done, I was back in his and two pairs of very sticky arms/hands (the boys had been 'doing gluing'....don't ask!) by 1pm on Sunday, with promises of 'if we can't all go, then it just ain't happening'
I'm glad I went, it was great to see loved ones, not seen since the last wedding or funeral, those that life for them is busy with babies and businesses, those who I may never see again, and those I left with the promise of '...definitely doing something soon....' My family of fucked-up drug- dependant (although none of them would admit it as they sip their medicinal/sociable tipple of choice) Who just don't understand how I can cut something that makes me 'one of them' out of my life.
I love them all, in varying degrees, because they are people I have known all my life that have had no real influence on who I am, who I have become, but I'm not sure they 'get' me, it's no bad thing, none of them know the real me anyway, just the 'family' me, the person who we all wheel out when we're with our family, the 'different' you, the ones your friends never get to see.
It does sadden me that they think that their drinking patterns are normal, and that would never listen to me anyway, not that I don't have anything interesting to say, just that they treat me as the 'right-on token hippy' of the family, none of them have the same views or opinions as me, don't even get me started with the rows (usually drunken)...*ahem* heated debates I've had regarding the environment and how recycling is an easy and accessible, proactive statement we can all make in the fight against the part we've played in ravaging this planet or having to explain myself (again) whenever I have had to refuse any drink of Coke (or any product produced by these fucking Nazis) and yet AGAIN explain the rape of the environment, the stolen water supplies of the people of India, and elswhere, the murders of the union members in South America for simply speaking out against the terrible working conditions ETC. ETC And the petty racisim, obviously not directed at the few people of colour they have in their lives...'because they know them, and they're alright...it's just the rest!' aaaargh!! Ignorance!!!......see, I just can't help myself....imagine me with a few Vodka and PEPSIs in me, speaking to a room full of ignoramus's...let's just say it ain't pretty!!
I'm not really sure where I came from, me, the me that has valid thoughts and opinions was not born of the people I am related to by blood, nor were my values gleaned from anyone of significance in my youth, maybe I made me, mmmm...I shall never know!
But, I'm liking the new and improved me...even though I am proving to be a little smug and self-satisified.
So, 77 days of hell and high waters, of screaming ab-dabs and of perfect calm.....here's to (she raises her hopes instead of her shaky hand holding the seventeenth V&P) another 7 weeks of strength and sobriety.
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