What follows is a friendly, disagreement with a forum member over at the social group..Creative Disposition over @ Movieplex...regarding his thoughts and ideas for editing another Member's post...It did, in fact, end with my bared soul, yet ANOTHER convoluted confessional, sermonising the nature of addiction, or rather MY addictions, of which have been a constant, to one extreme or another, throughout my adult existence.
I should get some pornographic photographs taken of myself and post those......They would be less revealing!!
This Faceless place, this place where you can be exactly who you always aspired to be.
A funloving, fanciful, Freaky~Friday, forum frequenter [Which I am...mostly!] Where it is all the bright side, the best foot forward, somewhere you can be carefree and confident, because of the anonymity, the hidden faces and hidden lives staying just that!
Where No one will be any the wiser to your exagerated elegance, your bonhomie, your joie de vive. The you that you wish you could manifest out there, in the REAL WORLD...
So, who am I? Who did I choose to be for you? Which of my many faces do I wear here?
**SIGH**
I have chosen to be me, Tam, the really real me, and the grittiest, grottiest version I could find, the warts and all, in your face, honest to goodness me. The open me up with a knife and rifle through my innards me. The me that 99% of the people in my 'Real World' never see or 'hear'...
I am honest....too honest most would say....'out there'....And, maybe, 'in here'....
I will not suffer fools or bigots or fuckwits gladly. But I will gladly rant and rage against intolerance and ill treatment of those less bold, of those who cannot find their own voices, for whatever their reasons, in any given situation.
I do not feel intimidated by ANYONE in my life now, and truly believe the thoughts I'd always harboured, that NO ONE is better than me, [as I am no better than anyone else.]
No amount of money or status...What material things you have...How good~looking you are...What car you drive...Which God you pray to...Whether your IQ is lower or your moral standards higher than mine......None of it is important, none of it....It doesn't peg you any higher than me or mine, it doesn't make you or anything you have to say more important than me or my words of opinion.....Ever!!
NO ONE is my superior in my life, in my world. I have bosses, and have to do my work as instructed. I have people in my day to day life that will try their damnedness to try and feel their pedestal is soo much higher than mine, that the sun shines soo much brighter when they are near, and when they get that little thrill of feeling high and bloody mighty... I let them. If this is the way they get their kicks, go for it, it's just not important to me. If they can feel that self~satisfied smugness glow within and it makes them smile...I'm glad, because I did that. I put that smile on that face, through being me, what I am, as this person 'They' perceive me to be, through their misconceived views of what makes me, me!
But, to be fair, I should be the smug one, I made them feel these things, made them feel that little bit better about who THEY are, because sometimes they're not so sure. I did it without even lifting a finger, without even trying to compete with their pettiness, and it brightened their day, yet, did not darken mine...
I teach this to my children, but, encourage them to always speak out, even if they disagree with an adult or a teacher. To always highlight a personal injustice that would otherwise be skirted past, anything that they feel is unfair or detrimental to them or those that they care about. I haven't taught them to be rude or ignorant, nor do they have free~rein to do what they like, when they like, just because they don't want to do what has been asked of them, or to listen to what they are being told and generally being disagreeable. They always have to be respectful, even if they are in a dispute
And they know that I will always, always '..have their back..' if they are speaking out against something they really consider important, yet continue to be reprimanded or shot down for, or are not returned the respect I know they have given.
But, as for the needless, competitiveness some people feel the need to inject into their bland existence, [and not just the children either!] My children know this is one of the many things that they shouldn't 'rise' to, and that they will have to endure this during their lives, just to be polite. They understand that, whatever the point in question is, it has absolutely no impact on their lives, and they should just listen, with a slight wry smile, and know that they've just made that person's day, simply by allowing that person to convey their oneuppmanship...well, it made them feel good huh? And those 'things' that have been bandied about in front of them, that they do covet [-they're children....but, they are learning-]or that 'ability' they aspire to perform as well at CAN be attained through their hard work and due~dilligence. That some of their friends, that have no siblings, do get an inordinate amount of gifts, or holidays or treats. But, they also have no one to share them with, that Xmas morning gets a bit boring when the grown ups start doing grown up stuff, and have no time to spend with them and the school holidays are sooo much longer for their friends when there's no one to play with. And that if I had only one child, they would probably get as much stuff, and time...but, it wouldn't be the same as our busy, bustling, filled to bursting, family home. They understand that it could be a lonely existence for an only child, and no amount of any things can make up for loneliness.
The ethos I am teaching is never be afraid to speak out, to be you, to do what makes you, and if you have time in your day...someone else happy...irrelevent to what anyone else may think. They need to be able to go to their teacher or boss or peer and be confident and honest and forthright, because no issues ever get resolved if you dance around them...eh?
I'm instilling a confidence that may be misconstrued as conceit by some, but, in this beautiful world of ours, there are just too many people that feel the opposite is true, believing that all those things that make us who we are, somehow slot us into some sort of pre~destined 'pecking order' in every aspect of our daily lives....My children are learning what is important....and what is not!
In the words of the Great Will Farrell;
'Everybody love everybody' [Semi~Pro]
And the young Keanu Reeves;
"Be excellent to each other" {Bill & Ted's...I forget which one]
Simple! If only.....
OMG...tangesization...If only it were an Olympic Sport...I'd be up there, in the middle of the podium, prone to receive my Gold, between a professional procrastinator and some pompous politician....
I think where I was going with this particular rant is; the reason I allow you to 'see' who I am. Know some of the truths about me is because I do not live what is deemed in our society as a 'normal' life. I do, and have done things that many people would judge me negatively for, my drug addictions, being a miniscule part of my shortcomings as a Human Being.
But these things don't define me, don't make me all that I am.....Like their 'things' do not define them......They just think they do!
They just wouldn't be able to look me in the eye if they knew...wouldn't be able to see further than their ill~informed opinions and ignorances.
But, I allow you, out there, to see the dark recesses I have within, because I do not have to put on that face of conformity with you, like I do at work [which is also my Sons' school] or meet your gaze, knowing that you have seen my black heart exposed. If you disapprove of me, of what I do or say, then you may have your say, then pass on by, avoiding me from here on in.
I would love to tell my bosses and the stuck~up teachers exactly WHO I am, what I do, and ask them how on earth they let a degenerate like me so close to the children, because surely I must be a danger...........Mustn't I?
Also, I don't want what I do, to reflect badly on my children, because of my penchants, which my own Children don't see any of , so I certainly wouldn't do anything in front of anybody else's children.....But, you never can tell with those drug~fiends, wallowing in the filth of their den of eniquities........eh?
Ignorance is bliss...And all the time the persona I project back at these intolerent, upstanding members of the community, my employers, those snotty mothers at the school gate, is met with acceptance, then I CAN endure, albeit with a slight wry smile upon my lips......
The original posting that inspired the following confessional can be found here;
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~THE NATURE OF ADDICTION~
I have to disagree with you Yester, regarding the edits made to FilmHeroin'spost. [Sorry]
By,using cattle, in her metaphor for how crowded the bus was, the collective herding of the passengers towards their own journey's end [slaughterhouse],followed the musings of what it is to feel poverty, at street-level, on a sweltering day, journeying in a bus full of the stinking, the fetid, and the forgotten, where no one would knowingly, of a straight and sober mind, go out to a public place smelling of anything that was mentioned in his writing, unless they've given up, they've given in to the malaise that haunts them, the alcoholism, the dark depths of depression, the addictions, the desolation of loneliness, or simply for not having someone in your day, your world, to tell you...you;
'...look a state...'
'..smell like sh*t...'
..to..'...Take my hand, we'll get through this somehow...'
All these 'afflictions', exacerbated by the plight of poverty, all encompassed in a steaming, stench-filled capsule that traverses downtown, depositing the dispossessed, the downtrodden, the demonized..
....And the depiction of the Meth addict, aptly described in the great line;
"..locked in the chemical St. Vitus Dance of the Meth Monkey."
Practically Perfect in Every way :D
To feel the dreaded 'cluck' come upon you.
When that next 'hit' is out of reach, because 'high' is never high enough.
When you never 'come down', because you never quite make it 'up'.
Or ever withdraw because you 'fix' before it's due, just so's to top up, to fine tune, that ever elusive buzz.....
.....Long since lost in the transition from the recreation and the sensual stimulation of the party~fiend, the right~on~raver, the cheeziest,cheezy~quaver, where those hallowed nights on the town, off your even~keel, at least just for this moment of perfect psychedelic lucidity, where 'those' places, 'those' emotions~~[half the reason you are here, taking this sensationalist trip through your own skew~whiff psyche]~~are lightly etched in the pastel~hued~colours of the soft~focused, half~light of half~thoughts, half~remembered through the haze of that hedonistic hideaway.
Before the glittering and gaudy froof of the sweet oblique.
The recreational diversions, that detracted and deflected from the inconsequential daily toil and the insurmountable idioms allayed not still.
Those, mood~enhanced, mind~controlled out of submission to the ..., for mine own whim satiated...for now, for this time, until I CHOSE to return to the reality that awaits, outside these walls of self~controlled, self~abuse...that once lit the nights with sunshine, or filled the days with the refraction of rainbows, .....before, the time comes when this part~time foray into the supplication to Bacchus, no longer sates, and you yearn to fill the void within with;
~uppers~downers~round and rounders~inside~outers~upside~downers~
...always.....all ways....
.....Just to ingest or imbibe what you need to be a you, that you'll remember to hook~up with on your way back through.
.....Just so's you remember who you are, when the mirror no longer reflects the you, you remember....[But, I was there last time I looked, wasn't I?]
.....Just so's it greases the opening, giving you the much needed valour, the kick up the bee~hind, to venture forth through this day, although not always enough gleaned to make it past the front door...
.....or to do any more than twitch the curtain aside discreetly....I spy the Babylonians, they are coming this way!!!
The true nature of addiction, when it becomes your way of life....your way to live.
It becomes your nourishment, your food, your drink.your blood.
It becomes your absolutely everything,...your everyone...,your family and friends,
Your all or nothing, and all that lies between...
....And so very, very much more....
This is where you felt the eyes of a stranger bore burning welts, into the bare~naked flesh at the nape of your neck, or tracing the lobe of your ear. Superciliously puzzling the spiralling state of sedulousness of the lack of self~restraint or self~control in society;
Or was that just me imagining the wrath of self~satisfied and smarmy strangers, intolerant through ignorance?
When the passer~by inadvertently brushes against you with a wince at your cold,cold sangfroid for your own well~being, your own self~denial to the basic Human right, safety from all things harmful to your health or fragile,fragmented head~space. Or by exuding the chill of indifference to all sorts of everything that could bring the merest flicker of warmth back, from a smile or a kind word....just something other than a toke, a smoke or a needling poke...Inhaling the very essence of something dead or dying,...sometime very soon, very soon....
I shall never be told that my hands are beautiful, nails bitten to the quick, and knuckles gnawed in concentration.
But, I have always appreciated lovely hands, male or female, slender~fingered, neatly~manicured parts of people that, of all people parts, have the most potential, irrelevant of their appearance, as much potential for good as for bad....
To gently brush away a stray eyelash.....Or to brutally blind her to all that was beautiful.
To bequeath a blessing from a benign benefactor.....Or to hand~deliver the devastation of a Son's death, fighting a war
that wasn't his to win.
To wipe away the tears of joy.....Or to....Oh the potential.......
See, now that's what I call tangesization, procrastination extreme, digression personified.....
Yester ~~yes...you're right....I did actually forget that during my epic voyage through this conjugational confessional....I was-in fact giving my most humble [as always] opinions on your abridgement of Film Heroin's first [and last to date] creative posting...bear with me Honey, you know that my Friday nights 'up' are unabound, usually unfocussed, and ultimately unintelligible, but unusually unadultorated...to say the least! But, I do manage to get there in the end though :D...Don't I?~~
To the quest at hand [At Last...you say?]....
I personally think by editing most of the descriptive words from the text, it leaves it flat, and without it's original impact. These inflections that express how the scene is set or observations of a particular slice of what he/she surveys, is conceived by the writer alone, and it is with coincidental or circumstantial content that the reader can feel drawn in and personally connected, or be left completely bewildered by their lack of understanding or misinterpretation of what they have read.
I feel the grittiness of the piece is somewhat enhanced by the grotesque depiction of desperate souls, all reeking of their own desperate attempts at mood~enhancement.
Or the stench of their diminished desire to do that which is one of the few things that seperate us from other animals, to wash our clothes in exotic smelling suds. To clean our homes using products which smell of the countryside or the sea. Then to scrub our bodies clean, of all traces of our very own, fundamental essence du self, au natural. Not content with stripping ourselves back to bare minimum,But to then douse ourselves with the unnatural scent of some, simulated, synthetic,substitute gleaned from the machinations involved in creating 'a smell of nature', yet by using as very little of nature as possible, produced en masse, to pollute and collude the senses into thinking '...this is clean...' Yet, so very far removed from our natural odours emitted from each and every orafice
Until the noxious and foul~smelling aroma of the unwashed insult our defunt and devoid olfactory senses, deeming the unclean as unnatural and abhorrent.
I'm absolutely sure, in 'blind' tests, we would [mostly] all choose the honest, fresh musk of a working man or woman over the fabricated, plasticated mendacity of the redolence of nature.
It's cave~man stuff, it's how we all came into being, why we become attracted to each other in the primal sense, even to this day.
Finally, we reach the end of yet another convoluted expose of all things SiTam, a convulsion of confessions, a fit of pique and poignancy,of dead~ends and detours....But, I got here,to the end~of~the~line...................In the end.
This short piece of FilmHeroin's, truly touched an ever present part of who I am, a place within that even I am afraid to gaze upon.
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