I have had a stunning [-in the shocked and not a little overwhelmed way-] email last night.
About a fortnight ago, whilst talking to my Mum about feeling a yearning to find my natural Father, and the routes I had taken to do so, she told me a few other details, that I hadn't previously know, one of which was that he was a member of a certain working Man's club when I was born.
I sent an email to the still up and running club, asking them to pass on my details, should they-against the odds-know of his whereabouts-clutching at straws-as he hadn't been known to drink there since the year I was born...nearly 40 years ago!!
I opened my mail tonight and there was a reply;
...that's all, short, sweet and to the point....31 words that might..or might not change my life!
I'm still reeling, because, apart from the on/off search online for the past four or five years since the yearning began, I never really tried to physically trace him through the census, or electoral rolls, as his last known whereabouts were the far end of the country, and the info I needed could not be given out over the telephone.
This is the only actual address, not just '..in the area of...' or what have you...a place he was definitely known to have entered, over an extended period of time in his life, albeit only during the year he had regular access to my life.
A place where people have known this man, my flesh, my blood, my Father, a man who I don't even know what he looks like except from the misty-eyed memories of my Mother, remorseful with regret, and thoughts of would have, could have, should haves..
A man, who may not care for my existence, or with room in his world for 1 more [or rather 5 more...he has a son-in-law and 3 grand babies to take into account too!!]
I don't expect him to welcome me with open arms, without suspicion of my motives, or fear my contact having a detrimental affect on a family, his family, that may well have known of the brief bit part I played in his life....a lifetime ago...my lifetime ago..
so very lost in tides of time, where so many people ebb and flow across the shores of our destiny, that it's hard to keep track...isn't it?
I could have siblings that fear for their inheritance [assuming he has something to leave at his demise] But, the thought of brothers or sisters......
But, maybe there just isn't enough room in the Family Album to clutter it with strangers.
I'm scared, I'm scared he will misconstrue my motives....One should never assume, it just makes an;
I want absolutely nothing from him except to look into his blue eyes-his progeny in a predominantly brown-eyed house-and just get to know him. I know nothing, except tit-bits proffered by Mum and the various family members that knew him. I want to know if we have anything in common, enjoy the same books, whether we'd laugh at the same things, consider the same things of importance, anythings and all things........
I haven't even thought about how I might feel if he ignores or rejects me, or even if he welcomes and accepts me & the thought that I am but the merest hairsbreadth away from really, nearly meeting him, IF he chooses to establish a two-way contact....to allow me to ask the questions I'm sure I have for him somewhere, but they escape me now at this time, or to live the rest of my days knowing he didn't want me...it eludes me...because it never nearly happened during my fruitless searches before...The possibility was never so close I actually HAD to think about the What ifs? and Buts? Because it just never really felt as if it could happen...in the flesh...up close and personal...face to familiar face [or, so I've been told] It has just put me on my bee~hind that it could happen....it really could...and even after all this time, I still don't really know whether I'm ready!!
I will keep you posted as to events...should they happen of course...
About a fortnight ago, whilst talking to my Mum about feeling a yearning to find my natural Father, and the routes I had taken to do so, she told me a few other details, that I hadn't previously know, one of which was that he was a member of a certain working Man's club when I was born.
I sent an email to the still up and running club, asking them to pass on my details, should they-against the odds-know of his whereabouts-clutching at straws-as he hadn't been known to drink there since the year I was born...nearly 40 years ago!!
I opened my mail tonight and there was a reply;
"We have managed to locate your Father via his brother. Who has agreed to pass on a copy of your email to your Father.
We hope all goes well for you."
...that's all, short, sweet and to the point....31 words that might..or might not change my life!
I'm still reeling, because, apart from the on/off search online for the past four or five years since the yearning began, I never really tried to physically trace him through the census, or electoral rolls, as his last known whereabouts were the far end of the country, and the info I needed could not be given out over the telephone.
This is the only actual address, not just '..in the area of...' or what have you...a place he was definitely known to have entered, over an extended period of time in his life, albeit only during the year he had regular access to my life.
A place where people have known this man, my flesh, my blood, my Father, a man who I don't even know what he looks like except from the misty-eyed memories of my Mother, remorseful with regret, and thoughts of would have, could have, should haves..
A man, who may not care for my existence, or with room in his world for 1 more [or rather 5 more...he has a son-in-law and 3 grand babies to take into account too!!]
I don't expect him to welcome me with open arms, without suspicion of my motives, or fear my contact having a detrimental affect on a family, his family, that may well have known of the brief bit part I played in his life....a lifetime ago...my lifetime ago..
so very lost in tides of time, where so many people ebb and flow across the shores of our destiny, that it's hard to keep track...isn't it?
I could have siblings that fear for their inheritance [assuming he has something to leave at his demise] But, the thought of brothers or sisters......
But, maybe there just isn't enough room in the Family Album to clutter it with strangers.
I'm scared, I'm scared he will misconstrue my motives....One should never assume, it just makes an;
ASS out of U and ME.....or so they say......
I want absolutely nothing from him except to look into his blue eyes-his progeny in a predominantly brown-eyed house-and just get to know him. I know nothing, except tit-bits proffered by Mum and the various family members that knew him. I want to know if we have anything in common, enjoy the same books, whether we'd laugh at the same things, consider the same things of importance, anythings and all things........
I haven't even thought about how I might feel if he ignores or rejects me, or even if he welcomes and accepts me & the thought that I am but the merest hairsbreadth away from really, nearly meeting him, IF he chooses to establish a two-way contact....to allow me to ask the questions I'm sure I have for him somewhere, but they escape me now at this time, or to live the rest of my days knowing he didn't want me...it eludes me...because it never nearly happened during my fruitless searches before...The possibility was never so close I actually HAD to think about the What ifs? and Buts? Because it just never really felt as if it could happen...in the flesh...up close and personal...face to familiar face [or, so I've been told] It has just put me on my bee~hind that it could happen....it really could...and even after all this time, I still don't really know whether I'm ready!!
I will keep you posted as to events...should they happen of course...
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